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Goofball Answer:

Feeling Lost,

While I eventually get over the broken heart part, I can't say I've completely gotten over the losses. I carry a bit of the serious two with me and likely always will. And I think this is because the broken heart and the loss aren't one in the same.

When you are involved in a serious relationship, a significant part of yourself becomes the other person. You share goals. You share routines. You share inside jokes. You have shared experiences known only within the relationship. When the other person is gone, a part of who you are is gone. A part of how you identify yourself is gone. And much of the broken heart is borne of how shaken your self identity is.

The part of the broken heart comprised of this loss of self identity is the part you can fix, and the part that eventually goes away. How quickly this happens depends on many things. How long was the relationship? How serious was the relationship? Did you share serious challenges along the way, or was it all fun 'n' games? What precipitated the breakup? Did you initiate the breakup, or did "the one" initiate it?

My heart's been broken twice (those ones at 17 years old don't count). These relationships were different lengths, had different dynamics, occurred at times when my maturity was in different states of development, and the breakups were initiated by different parties. When I initiated the breakup, the shakeup in my self identity was compounded by my doubts and second guessing. When I found myself on the other side of the fence, the broken heart was compounded by thoughts of "if only I'd done this or that." Therefore, the broken hearts lasted different amounts of time, were of different severities, and involved different emotions. One involved quite a lot of sadness and depression. The other found me angry. But in both cases, as I re-established my self identity in the absence of these people, the heart break subsided.

The actual loss, however, sticks around—or at least for me it does. And I don't much mind it. I like the occasional inside joke popping into my head when I see a particular TV commercial or song, or when I eat at an old favorite restaurant. There's only one person in the world beside me who will find humor in the saving power of a meniscus, the hilarity of grey screen, or the way it feels to wake up next to me in a bed full of swamp-cooler-blown sand. I also like the skills, knowledge, and strength of character I learned from these women. And I enjoy holding onto these things. I'm better for having known and loved them.

So the hard part—and critical part—is getting to know yourself again. And this takes time. And though it's not always easy, it's usually best to avoid other relationships until you're comfortable being yourself again. You must reach a point where you bring someone else (or the same person) into your life because you want them in your life, not because you need them to fill a void. The things you truly need in life you can get from friends and family. A relationship should be built on the recognition of mutual attraction, common goals, complementary strengths, astrological signs, shared ideals, and how well you can tolerate the other's parents. Don't get involved with someone simply to validate your own self worth.

Therefore, while I've hurt, I cherish what I had—deeply. And once I get back to being the goofball, I hope to find someone else with whom to share the splendors of life.

So how long does it take to get over a broken heart? Well, that depends.

~ topher

PS — If you have a moment, download the song I linked to up above and give it a listen. I love this song and I think there's something buried in it somewhere for anyone whose ever had a broken heart.