Date:
January 14th, 2010
From:
A Curious Party
Question:
What should one do if they happen to over toast a Pop-Tart™ and it sticks to said persons [sic] skin?
Goofball Answer:
Curious Party,
As someone who doesn't believe in things like fate, destiny, or luck, I'm inclined to conclude you came to me with this question because you know I have first-hand knowledge on how to deal with this situation. And because I don't like seeing other people get hurt the way I have, I will share with you what I know.
The key to dealing with Pop-Tart™ burns is PREVENTION. I can not overstate this. You want to do all you can to ensure you do not end up with a flaming-magma Blueberry Pop-Tart™ searing the tender flesh of your abdomen. It smarts. And if your Mom sees it happen, she will cry (sobbingly so).
And here are my two preventive steps for avoiding permanent, embarrassing Pop-Tart™ scars on your tummy:
1. Only leave your Pop-Tart™ in the toaster for a reasonable amount of time, so as to prevent it from reaching 1,024 degrees Kelvin.
2. Always wear a shirt while cooking your Pop-Tart™.
By following step 1, you help ensure you will never suffer more than a superficial burn to your tongue from these tasty breakfast treats.
If you fail to follow step 1, wearing a shirt will protect your abdomen when your hand flinches to remove the molten-surfaced pastry from it, sending it flying toward your abdomen, where it will not only burn you badly, but also remove layers of flesh when you pull it free.
But failing all of this, if you find an insanely hot Pop-Tart™ adhered to your body, I suggest grabbing it quickly with some insulating item—wash cloth, towel, bib, apron, or the like—and removing it from your skin. Pay keen attention to the strings of flesh—like cheese strands on a slice of hot pizza—connecting you and the offending Pop-Tart™. It's an image you won't soon want to forget.
~ topher