Date:
February 3rd, 2010
From:
Curious Party
Question:
What are the first five signs of becoming a stalker?
Goofball Answer:
Curious Party,
I'm not much of a stalker, really. The closest thing to stalking I've ever done was in the sixth grade, when Mark and I would ride our bicycles incessantly past Sarah's house, hoping to see her out walking her boxer, or sunbathing, or cutting the grass in cut-off jean shorts. And stalking in this day and age is decidedly different than it was then. So it will be a tad difficult to answer your question with any personal insight.
But your question tickled me a bit, because you didn't ask "What are the first five signs of being stalked?". Nope. You asked about "...becoming a stalker". And since you tickled me so, I'm going to try to answer your question in the best way I know how, which is to ask you five questions about your behavior regarding this person you may be stalking.
1. Have you searched for this person on Google and/or Google Images more than once this week?
2. Are you following this person on Twitter using a screen name that couldn't readily be associated with you?
3. Have you attempted to look up this person's court records on the IntraWebSphere?
4. Have you secretly sought out information about this person through a mutual friend or acquaintance?
5. Do you try to design in your head seemingly-legitimate scenarios in which you could "accidentally" run into this person somewhere?
If you answered "yes" to two or three of these questions, you may just be smitten, or bitter.
But if you answered "yes" to four or all of them, you're inching toward stalking. You should probably just come clean and tell the person you're smitten, or bitter. Get it out in the open, move the feelings through to some resolution, and move on. Life is too short for stalking...
And let's not forget: the stalked may be running their own anti-stalking counterinsurgency operation. For instance, Curious Party, I know you were surfing this website from within Froedtert Memorial Hospital's walls. And you started out on a PC, which you used to submit this question. Then, later in the day, you used a Mac to check if your question had been answered yet.
But don't let the fact that I know this freak you out too much. Remember boys and girls, this Goofball was trained by the government.
~ topher