Amoebic Sludge — April, 2008
OK folks, it's apparent we are in need of a little review. Many of you have been driving me crazy lately with your behavior at the apparently incomprehensible four-way stop intersections. These things really are not all that difficult to negotiate, yet some of you are making it exceedingly more stressful than it need be for yourself, and for me.
Straight away I'll dispense with the obvious. 99.9% of us are not driving Lamborghinis, Ferraris, Lotuses, McLarren F-1s, or the like. Therefore, if you were to positively stand on your gas pedal, lifting your buttocks from your seat in doing so, from a dead stop you may make it to the mind-boggling speed of 9 miles per hour before reaching the other side of the intersection. Thus, unless you are driving an old Ford Pinto (right), there's precious little chance of you getting killed at a four-way stop. OK? Your car may get hurt a little if you and two other people screw it all up. But there's really no chance you're getting hauled away in a meat wagon.
So relax! The quivering mass of frightened amoebic sludge you become at these intersections is unnecessary. Really. It's unbecoming and annoying.
Now that we've dispensed with my reasoning behind this rant, let's get to the proverbial meat and potatoes. Shall we? Here are the things you must remember and put to practice:
1. The four-way stop intersection is not an excellent place to dispose of your cigarette butt you pompous, self-absorbed fuck.
2. If you are doing anything other than proceeding straight through the intersection, signal your intention to other drivers, pedestrians, in-line skaters, pets, and stopping guards before you arrive at the intersection. Yes you. Yes, before you arrive at the intersection. Do it. I don't care how tasty your Burger King fries are. Turn on your damned turn signal.
3. Before arriving at the intersection, begin looking all around the intersection. Specifically, you should be taking inventory of all other intersection users. This includes other motorists, bicyclists, skateboarders, mail carriers, and people on scooters. The more you know before you arrive at the intersection, the less of my time you'll have to waste figuring these things out after you've already done that annoying start-stop thing 4 times. Your primary responsibility when driving is to not kill anyone else, so concentrate on the intersection as you approach it and ignore the cell phone for a moment.
3. Come to a complete stop when you arrive at the intersection. You may recall you are required to stop before the crosswalk if there is one. I don't care where you happen to be going, how late you are, or how familiar you are with the intersection; you remain required to make a complete stop. Yes you. Complete = cessation of movement. Do it. This single moment of pause may be enough to help you not kill a kid who is walking to school.
4. If your IQ qualifies you to drive, you should now be stopped at the intersection with all the information necessary to safely take the next step, which is GO! And the rules regarding going are these:
4a. If you are the only intersection user at the intersection, you may go as soon as you have completed your requisite stop. Do so unhesitatingly and with conviction. This will be excellent practice for when there are other intersection users.
4b. If you arrive at the intersection with another intersection user, and your intended paths are parallel, you may proceed as soon as you have completed the requisite stop. Do not sit waiting at the intersection for the other intersection user to clear the intersection. Proceed through the intersection unhesitatingly and with conviction. This will be excellent practice for when there are three or four intersection users.
4c. If you arrive at the intersection with another intersection user, and your intended paths will cross or converge, the intersection user who arrived at the intersection first has the right of way. I don't care what color your Hummer is; if you arrived at the intersection after someone else, you must allow the right of way to that intersection user if your intended paths will cross or converge.
4d. If you arrive at the intersection with another intersection user, and your intended paths will cross or converge, and you arrived at the intersection simultaneously, there are two rules for the right of way.
Rule 1: The person on the right has the right of way. If the other intersection user is on your right, no matter how small your penis and pimped your ride may be, allow them to proceed first. If you are on the right, you have the right of way. Proceed unhesitatingly and with conviction.
Rule 2: If the other intersection user is on the opposite side of the intersection, facing you, the person intending to go straight or turn right has the right of way. Those turning left must wait. Therefore, if you are proceeding straight or turning right, proceed unhesitatingly and with conviction. This will be excellent practice for when there are three or four intersection users. Are you noticing a general rule of thumb emerging?
4e. If you arrive at the intersection with more than one other intersection user, then certainly paths will cross or converge. Don't panic. Robots can now handle this shit, and so should you be able to. There are a few easy rules.
Rule 1:
The intersection user arriving first has the right of way.
Rule 2:
If multiple intersection users arrived simultaneously, the intersection user on the right has the right of way in any scenario involving crossing or convergent paths.
Rule 3:
If multiple intersection users arrive simultaneously and intend to proceed on parallel paths, they may both proceed simultaneously. This is critical. If you and another driver are facing one another, and both are proceeding straight through the intersection, YOU DO NOT NEED TO WAIT FOR THE OTHER PERSON to clear the intersection you slithering, tentative, unresolved, spineless piece of amoebic sludge. Your needless waiting confuses other drivers. And if you haven't got the conviction to proceed through the intersection with your parallel intersection user, YOU HAVE FORFEITED YOUR TURN. Don't even think about going once the other user has cleared the intersection. Your time to go—without hesitation, I'll add—was 3 seconds ago. You blew it. Eat another fry, kindly nod at the people loathing you, and wait for your turn to come again.
Other than that, look out for young kids on bicycles (because they're unpredictable) and be kind to pedestrians (because they almost always have the right of way and the sympathy of juries).
I know a few of you are going to disagree with 4b and 4e, Rule 3. You're going to say other motorists will often forget to put on their turn signal and turn left when you thought they were proceeding straight. And therefore, you'll argue people on parallel paths should take turns when crossing four-way stops. Bullshit. Even if both of you positively stood on your gas pedals, lifting your buttockses from your seats in doing so, the laws of physics dictate that you'll arrive at the middle of the intersection with no more than roughly 9 miles per hour of combined speed. You might spill your coffee when you hit, but you'd be teaching the non-signal user a much needed lesson and you'll probably just need a new bumper. I've had to put two new bumpers on my truck in the past 18 months; it's no big deal. And no, neither of those new bumpers came from a four-way stop intersection, because I follow my own rules.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to drive home from the coffee shop. And there are no fewer than six of these intersections on the way home.
Kind regards,
topher
PS - What is the proper plural of buttocks?