Hostage's Guide To The Galaxy — August, 2007
Life is a party you're dragged to more than invited to, really. Like poor Arthur Dent in Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, we just kind of show up here all of a sudden, and the fun begins. Unlike Arthur, we don't get a guide book, and if we did, it would be more of a Hostage's Guide To The Galaxy than a hitchhiker's guide. I believe the guide would be no less silly, however.
The first few years of life are relatively easy, albeit a little uncomfortable, perhaps. There are the diaper rashes and issues with thermoregulation to contend with as babies. But, soon enough, the ease of simple discomfort gives way to the sometimes-perplexing expectation of self-sufficiency. Bottles give way to solid food and suddenly we're responsible for chewing. Crawling gives way to walking and suddenly we have to deal with something called "balance" and something else called "gravity". Walking gives way to running, which gives way to something called "stitches". Eventually the complexities increase until we find ourselves debating serious issues. Should I use a fixed-rate mortgage or an adjustable-rate one? Is it time for new tires on the car? Honey, do we buy ketchup or catsup? Does she really love me or does she simply swoon for my mullet? Should our mustard have Lycopene, too?
The decisions we make and questions we ponder are occasionally unnerving. And again, we don't show up here with a hostage's guide. But we do have access to helpful decision-making resources and shouldn't complain too much. There are friends, family members, rabbis, priests, horoscopes, palm readers, tarot cards, ouija boards, Magic 8-Balls, and big brothers (in no particular order). So when we have serious decisions to make, there's no shortage of "help".
Though you may feel the veritable cornucopia of worldly wisdom available to us is sufficient, I'd like to point out another, more recent addition to the plentiful horn of advice. It's a freely available window into the collective wisdom and opinion of the masses. It's a spigot in the barrel of others' brains. The inimitable Internet gives you:
Google Trends ® is a tool you can use to check Internet search volumes over time. This is to say, we can ask Google how frequently people search for various things on the World Wide Web, and Google will tell us. And as we all know, people toss their every curiosity onto the web these days to see what's going on. Hence, to some extent, it stands to reason that people will search more frequently for those things most prevalent on their minds. While these searches have their limitations, this is powerful information, and something Douglas Adams would have loved to play with. I think it is our Hostage's Guide To The Galaxy. It's simply taken a while to get here from the end of the universe.
Let's try it out and see what the collective wisdom of the world tells us about everyday conundrums.
Say, for instance, that I'm heading to the grocery store later today. I know I'm going to be asked how I'd like my groceries bagged. I'm a plastic man myself, but perhaps I'd like to know how the rest of the world feels on the subject. Let's ask Google:
As we can see, from 2004 to the present, paper seems more prevalent on the worlds' minds than plastic; so it appears I'm in the minority on this subject. If I'm curious to know why people prefer pondering paper over plastic, Google tags each trend line with relevant world events, indicated by the lettered flags. So, we not only get to peek at what people are thinking about, but perhaps, why they're thinking about it. Now that's neat. And if Arthur Dent's reading this, he's thinking, "If only."
But I'm fairly sure that the paper vs. plastic debate doesn't keep you up at night. I'm sure you're much more curious about how the world feels regarding deeper, more perplexing issues. Let's not hesitate. The answers are all there for us. We need only ask the Hostage's Guide To The Galaxy.
Maybe your visits to Denny's become unbearable for you as you internally debate whether your breakfast should be accompanied by toast, a bagel, fruit, or a muffin. Let's see which way everyone else is leaning.
Fruit wins, hands down. It would appear that people are health conscious. But what about the age-old milk debate?
This one is a little closer, but skim milk is currently leading the race.
Of course, side dishes at breakfast and healthy choices in consumerism aren't keeping you up at night, either. Rather, you're tossing and turning over the big issues in life—the things with consequences. Maybe you've got a vacation to plan, or a baby on the way. Where can you go to avoid the crowds? What should you name the baby? Let's ask!
Apparently, if you're heading to a National Park, there'll be more people at Glacier National Park than at Arches. And though Natalie spiked ahead for a little while, Ashley seems to be the more popular name at the moment. So we can use Google Trends to avoid the mainstream as well. Cool.
But let's get serious. What about love? What about romance? What are the world's lovers thinking about, really?
Though we occasionally falter, we aren't always as superficial as we seem. I like that. Let's test our romantic sensibilities another way.
It seems boobs are winning at the moment. But like the world's climate, there are varying trends. Legs made a good showing in the winter of 2005/2006, and apparently eyes are always appealing. But I guess nice smiles and cute butts are secondary. Interesting.
And how do we like to dress ourselves up?
Boxers win.
And if Google can tell us about love and romance, and how we dress to kill, it must know a thing or two about that other subject, also.
You know what I'm talking about. Whenever we encounter something wonderful, we like to describe it as "better than sex." But how do we feel, really? What is better than sex, or at least, more prevalent on our minds?
Skydiving?
Nope.
Chocolate?
Nope.
Money?
Not even money, it appears, is better than sex. I'll let you continue that search on your own. Good luck.
There are bigger issues than all this, however, and our Hostage's Guide To The Galaxy is not afraid to tackle them. What about our spiritual side?
I don't know what Yang is, but it's more popular than Ying—whatever Ying is.
Right wins out over wrong.
Good continues to beat evil.
Dunkin' Donuts is holding its own against Krispy Kreme.
And god is occasionally pounced by American Idol.
But there's so much more we stress about. Why accept insomnia when we have access to the ultimate answer book? Are you in a questionable relationship? Has your job gotten boring? Have you been listening to The Clash lately? Google can tell you what to do.
Apparently it's time to go west, young man. Go west.
And what about all the times we say we'd rather get a root canal than take on some horrible task? I consulted the guide, and it told me which way most of you are leaning.
I knew it. Most of you would rather bite down on bloody gauze than mow the lawn. I concur.
If you've read The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, then you're familiar with the central question of the book: What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything? And central to this thought of mine is the question of what's more prevalent on the minds of the people. So consider this:
Finally, it wouldn't be one of my "thoughts" without something inspirational or smart-assed to cap it all off. If you've perused the quotes section of the website, you may have stumbled upon my philosphy on life's priorities: "Think long and hard before compromising happiness for sensibility." I often wonder how the rest of the world feels about this.
Since we're already at the party of life, let's consult our newest reference, our Hostage's Guide To The Galaxy...
There you have it.
Well folks, I'll see you at The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe. I'll be the one eating the muffin.
~ topher
Note: topher's a fan of forming your own opinion on things, but we all need some reassurance now and then. And damn the web is fun to play with.
