Mopeds — November, 2005
You'll doubtless be happy to know that I've been reading some of the Wisconsin State Statutes lately. I've completely read chapters 346 and 347 and have been skimming through others and doing some cross-referencing. It's fascinating reading, and the language is not terribly difficult to understand. Our Wisconsin legislators have done a decent job of keeping the unnecessary wheretofores, hereinafters, and hithertos to a bare minimum. Though the subject matter is occasionally dry, the language is rather approachable.
It's remarkable what you'll find in the state statutes when you really get down to reading them. For instance, did you know that the State of Wisconsin limits the performance of a moped? It's true. In Wisconsin, no moped used on public roads may be designed or modified to exceed a speed of 30 miles per hour while carrying a 150 pound operator on a dry roadway. Now, I don't know too many police officers that check in under 150 pounds. But, ostensibly, they keep a few around for the specific purpose of testing mopeds. Chapter 340 of the Wisconsin State Statutes contains more details if you're interested.
I bring all of this up not to talk about mopeds, though they're fascinating. I bring this up to talk about some of the things I can't find in the Wisconsin State Statutes. And believe me, there are a few things I've been looking for that I can't find.
The following are examples of behaviors that are not protected by any Wisconsin law that I can find:
* Talking on your cell phone when you should be using your turn signal
* Talking on your cell phone when you should be writing a check for your groceries
* Talking on your cell phone when the waiter is waiting for your order
* Talking on your cell phone while the barista waits to hear what size latte you want
* Answering your cell phone in the movies instead of pressing the 'mute' button
* Going 18 miles per hour under the speed limit so you can handle driving and talking on your cell phone at the same time
* Talking on your cell phone when you should be watching your child walk through a busy parking lot
* Talking on your cell phone while ordering food at the drive thru
* Text messaging on your cell phone when you should be noticing that you've drifted off the road
* Talking on your cell phone at the shoe store so loudly that everyone knows you finally slept with him
* Acknowledging the ring of your cell phone faster than the inquiry of your child
* Talking on your cell phone instead of freeing up the dressing room
* Talking on your cell phone when you should be using your turn signal
OK. OK. So I used that last one twice. That's my prerogative; it really pisses me off.
But, that doesn't change the truth of what I'm saying. While there are clearly laws obligating you to use your turn signals, I can find no law making an exception for said obligation because you happen to be talking on your damned cell phone.
There's a reason that no such law exists. And, it's the same reason that no law exists to protect any of the other aforementioned behaviors. Simply put, you're not that damned important. What the hell makes you so presumptuous that you think you can set aside safety, kindness, consideration, and basic decency in order to carry on a meaningless conversation on your cell phone?
Get over yourself. You're not an ambassador. You're not chairman of your kid's scout troop. You're not even Rusty Wallace.
How do I know? Well, if you were an ambassador, you wouldn't be buying your own groceries at my local Pick 'n' Save. If you were chairman of your kid's scout troop, I'd hope you'd pay more attention to your kid. Or, am I being too presumptuous? And, if you were Rusty Wallace, you'd be able to handle talking on your cell phone and using your fucking blinker at the same time.
So, I'll say it again: Get over yourself.
Put the damn cell phone away once in a while. Interact with the people around you. Try safety on for size. It might fit. Try courtesy and consideration. They bring out the best in people.
I don't know what you get out of the modulated and demodulated sound of someone else's voice crackling in and out between towers, but you're missing out on what's real. And, for what? So you look important to someone? That must be it.
You made it through life without your cell phone a few years ago. Try it now. It's liberating. And, believe me, you'll survive the experience. Hell, you may even save a few lives around you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go finish tuning the exhaust on my moped.
~ topher